The formal announcement of my engagement to:

*drumroll*

Jessica Marie Alba, star of Cinema and Television. featured in Maxim (maybe 2wice).

The engagement would read like this:

MR. DAVID “ROCKSTAR” to wed MISS JESSICA MARIE ALBA

Mr. David Rockstar, of Baltimore, Maryland is proud to announce his engagement to Miss Jessica Marie Alba of Pomona, California.

Mr. Rockstar holds an honorary doctorate in the science of Thanology and is also a noted professional writer and future political revolutionary.

Miss Alba has starred in over a dozen feature films, as well as on television and in print, most notably in MAXIM magazine.

Mr. Rockstar is 19 days Miss Alba’s senior; and the engagement has been well-recieved by his family.

This may or may not stir some folks up…. but I’ve got a lot of money – and I want to give you $500,000.00 of it…

Tax free, as a gift. I know, but don’t worry, the devil’s in the details.

Here’s how you win my money. (here’s what $500K looks like in cash!)$100K in twenties

actually, that’s twenties, so multiply by five – anyway, you get the picture…

Here is all you have to do (3 exciting ways to win!):

  • First Method: BE JESSICA ALBA (you can’t win on a technicality – you must be the Jessica Alba, star of such films as “Fantastic Four,” “Idle Hands,” “Sin City,” “Into the Blue,” and “Honey…”– This is a reference to this, and all subsequent references to Jessica Alba)

Jessica, pictured far right, in blue
For reference, her IMDb page is HERE and looks like this:

screen shot

Again, if you’re her, and I judge you to have met all Jessica Alba quality standards (e.g. – you haven’t gone and got fat) you win….

with the conditions of:

  1. Marriage (to myself)
  2. Consumation of wedding vows…a lot.
  3. Pre-nuptial agreement per MY verbiage
  4. at least one act of fellatio (to be reciprocated with unlimited acts of cunnilingis)
  5. you stay in prior-to-nuptial shape (weight/no physical atrocities: e.g. Terrible wind-surfing accident, car crash, disfigurement of face, etc) for the for at least 24 months following marriage
  6. You do not refer to me in press prior-to, during or after our Marriage (or dissolution thereof) as “that guy who offered me $500,000.00 just to marry him” and, whenever appropriate spout the phrase: “David and I are just so happy together. It has to be the sex, which he is incredible at. He is easily the criterion by which all lovers are measured.”
  7. No significant acquisition of a contagious & deadly/disfiguring disease. (NOTICE: CONTAGIOUS & DEADLY)

After 24 months, you will recieve payment, and may obtain a divorce. Consider this notice, a formal engagement.

  • Method Two: Bring me Jessica Alba, under duress. honestly, her willingness is completely non-consequential. If you must threaten her pet chihuahua with mortal-peril, I will not object. All of the aforementioned conditions must be met prior to payment (with interest!)
  • Method the 3rd: Clone Jessica Alba, but not real cloning – it has to be the hurry-up duplicate clone from the sci-fi days of yore. She must adhere to all of real-Jessica-Alba’s conditions, in duplicate
  • Method 4: Find or be a girl, who in my opinion is hotter than Jessica Alba. Have her agree to be wed to me. We will assemble a panel of 24 judges as well as myself. Each Judge will have a 2% vote and I will carry the remaining 52% vote. A simple majority is required to determine if the subject is “hotter” than Jessica Alba.
  • Be Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, or the Sultan of Brunai. pretend you are Jessica Alba.give me 1/3 of your gross worth with minimum of $50 million dollars. Payment made upon reciept of money/gross worth.
  • Method less gay: convince Adriana Lima, Jessica Simpson, Gisele Bundchen to perform silmutaneously, all acts described for Jessica Alba above for a period of no less than 180 days.

*********************************

Now, i REALLY hope to give away this prize, in the meantime, I defy you to find someone as hot and as willing to marry me as Miss Jessica Alba:

*ahem*

step off mother-bitches, that’s my fiancee.

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2 Responses to The formal announcement of my engagement to:

  1. Antibush says:

    Bush goes ballistic about other countries being evil and dangerous, because they have weapons of mass destruction. But, he insists on building up even a more deadly supply of nuclear arms right here in the US. What do you think? What is he doing to us, and what is he doing to the world?
    Are we safer today than we were before?
    The more people that the government puts in jails, the safer we are told to think we are. The real terrorists are wherever they are, but they aren’t living in a country with bars on the windows. We are.

  2. Ronnie Oneil says:

    Hi. I love Adriana Lima. She’s really georgeous and a fine role model. She’s really sexy yet she didn’t choose to have premarital sex. Do you guys know where I can find Adriana Lima posters?

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